Field Report: Retired Ladies Edition February 16, 2022
In which a coroner and fake coke fiend walk into The Field while Private Ryan is away.
Field Report: Holiday Recap Edition January 6, 2022
In which we all come down with “chapped lips” and no one thinks Private Ryan is a gangster.
Field Report: It’s Coming November 8, 2021
In which gunpowder and grumpiness rule the day.
Field Report: Day 567 October 4, 2021
In which Fed Ex Express (and people who drive Tahoes) incur my very hot, very hangry wrath.
Field Report: Ah, Summer August 23, 2021
In which the heat brings out the best in people and we learn that silence has a monetary value.
Field Report: The Idiot’s Guide To Shipping A Package July 17, 2021
In which we learn about geographical sleeping habits and strange ways to carry packages.
Field Report: Year 3 June 22, 2021
In which a customer thinks I’m interrogating them and we ship a fifth-grade-level book report.
Field Report: Day 458 June 9, 2021
In which we meditate on ways to handle customers.
Field Report: Day 435 May 26, 2021
In which we meet Mr. Hrrmph who is VERY upset about bubble envelopes.
Field Report: YOU CAN’T ASK ME THAT May 18, 2021
In which we contemplate Field weaponry and the brand new mask rules.
Field Report: Return To Battle May 4, 2021
In which we discuss oranges and crackheads.
Field Report: Day 394 April 21, 2021
In which we agree to play paper/rock/scissors to decide which one of us is going to jail.
Field Report: Day 392 April 13, 2021
In which a lady loses her mind over wanting free things but not THOSE free things.
Field Report: Day 385 April 7, 2021
In which Private Ryan creates a whole new nationalized mail company and we almost die of heat exhaustion in April.
Field Report: Day 379 March 23, 2021
In which we meet CreepyMan and pepper spray gets involved.
Field Report: FBI Edition March 18, 2021
In which two FBI agents ask to speak to “the manager” and Private Ryan wished I was there.
Field Report: Happy One-Year Anniversary! March 16, 2021
In which we celebrate my (8)1st year of Field Reports…
Field Report: Day 358 March 9, 2021
In which I play, “Is that jelly or blood leaking out of that box?”
Field Report: The Apple Cinnamon Hellscape March 2, 2021
In which I worry that a caramel apple has liquified in less than three minutes.
Field Report: Atheists in the Foxhole Edition February 25, 2021
The day we became Bible thumpers because they were too heavy to set down quietly.
Field Report: Day 354 February 23, 2021
Private Ryan is on vacation, but his 387 “best friends” are still around.
Field Report: How Words Work January 6, 2021
In which I dance with abandon on the line of using insure/ensure correctly.
Field Report: The Week After December 29, 2020
When the truth is absurd, go with the truth.
Field Report: Morning Edition December 23, 2020
In which I philosophize about the color white and painter’s tape.
Field Report: “It’s Bad” Edition December 17, 2020
Today I imagined hitting my head on the counter and falling unconscious for a bit, just to get a break.
Field Report: 2 Chicken Strips & A Milkshake December 15, 2020
I am about to lose a toenail and have nodules on the bottom of my foot. Otherwise, all good.
Field Report: Dec 7-9 December 9, 2020
In which I create new words to express how much I don’t care about your Amazon return.
Field Report: December 2-4 December 6, 2020
It’s not Basic Training anymore, kids.
Field Report: December 1 December 1, 2020
In which Private Ryan and I descend into madness.
Field Report: Here Comes Christmas Edition November 19, 2020
In which I award myself two new official titles.
Field Report: Election Day Edition November 3, 2020
The threat of the thread is real.
On My Way To The Field Report October 15, 2020
When Trumpers say “fuck your feelings,” they really only mean Empathy.
Field Report: Mr. Shoe Edition September 28, 2020
Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Shoe and his one Croc.
Field Report: Day 213 September 25, 2020
Time to talk about APES (Amazon Prototypical Explorers of Stuff)
Field Report: Month 6 September 22, 2020
In which I go in search of the perfect Field mask.
Field Report: Day 27 July 31, 2020
Learn why I put a cell phone in a cooler yesterday. Also: Dirt.
Field Report: Day 26 July 7, 2020
My apologies for the long absence. Global chaos can wreak havoc on a sense of humor.
Base Report: Aptitudes June 17, 2020
One cannot just ignore one’s aptitude test from 2003.
Field Report: Day 25 June 8, 2020
Take advantage of times when karma says, “You can do this one.”
Base Report: Sitting Edition May 27, 2020
Come let me take you on a tour of all the chairs in our house!
Base Report: sob Edition May 25, 2020
It’s a partially collapsed lung lobe but DON’T WORRY THAT’S COMMON.
Field Report: Day 24 May 20, 2020
I apparently work for the Virus Conversation Coalition. At least it’s not Amazon.
Field Report: The First Day of Fear May 14, 2020
I wrote a letter to Gov. Walz. Cuz it’s a democracy and everything.
Field Report: Day 23 May 12, 2020
One conversation is all you need to know.
Field Report: Day 22 May 7, 2020
Survived very awkward customer-to-customer interaction while “We Are The Champions” played on my speaker.
Field Report: Day 21 May 4, 2020
Silk monkeys and metaphysical healing kits. Definitely a Monday.
Base Report: Becky Edition May 3, 2020
The wonder and joy of observing mass panic on Facebook.
Field Report: Day 20 April 27, 2020
Civilian stopped in store and commented on our dirt. Should be in newspaper tomorrow.
Field Report: Day 19 April 23, 2020
“I’d like to donate an electronic doorbell to your shop.” No.
Field Report: Day 18 April 21, 2020
Redefining “Rub some dirt on it” around here.
Field Report: Day 17 April 21, 2020
Monday required a night’s sleep to prepare a short report.
Field Report: Colonel Edition April 19, 2020
Hi! It’s Colonel C with a Field Update because I LEFT BASE!!!!
Field Report: Day 16 April 16, 2020
Unicorns. And bull penises.
Base Report: USPS Edition April 15, 2020
Which is more important to have: Guns or information?
Field Report: Day 15 April 14, 2020
Unintentional field experiments are not particularly enjoyable.
Field Report: Day 14 April 13, 2020
My virtual baseball card collection is impressive. Also: Drones.
Field Report: Day 13 April 9, 2020
The day we learned the definition of “overnight”
Field Report: Day 12 April 7, 2020
The day Democracy caught coronavirus in Wisconsin.
Field Report: Day 11 April 6, 2020
Man’s inability to see antiques without trying to touch remains.
Field Report: Day 10 April 2, 2020
For Easter, I would like an apocalyptic movie please.
Base Report: Day 2 April 1, 2020
What is the nerdiest app you can think of? I downloaded it.
Field Report: Day 9 March 31, 2020
Became a courier briefly. Putting it on resume.
Field Report: Day 8 March 30, 2020
Customer suggested “candy rate” during pandemic. Almost cried.
Field Report: Day 7 March 29, 2020
In which we learn if you’ve never used a Bible quote to describe antiques, you’re missing out.
Field Report: Day 6 March 24, 2020
In which Kwik Trip starts construction and customers begin shipping conspiracy theories.
Field Report: Day 5 March 23, 2020
In which Wisconsin closes and I wonder if I’ll need an interstate passport.
Weekend Leave: 1 March 22, 2020
In which Colonel spends quarantine making sphere ice cubes.
Field Report: Day 4 March 20, 2020
In which we learn washing hands is forfeiting civil liberties. Pass it on.
Field Report: Day 3 March 19, 2020
In which I began asking panicked customers to cite their sources on their virus “research.”
Base Report: Day 1 March 18, 2020
In which I witnessed Paper Product Panic™ firsthand. Increased alcohol rations.
Field Report: Day 2 March 17, 2020
In which a customer used the word “sheeple” today about everyone washing their hands.
Field Report: Day 1 March 16, 2020
In which we learn how to pass the time when the world is acting like they poop every time they cough.