The Field Diaries

as the world shut down at the beginning of the pandemic
my industry -- the small business shipping industry -- boomed
not a quiet boom
a loud one
so I began filing my reports from my time in The Field 
the industry you think you know something about
but trust me when I say
you don't.

Field Report: Retired Ladies Edition

by Kelly Kirby February 16, 2022

Field Report: Holiday Recap Edition

by Kelly Kirby January 6, 2022

Field Report: It’s Coming

by Kelly Kirby November 8, 2021

Field Report: Day 567

by Kelly Kirby October 4, 2021

Field Report: Ah, Summer

by Kelly Kirby August 23, 2021

Field Report: The Idiot’s Guide To Shipping A Package

by Kelly Kirby July 17, 2021

Field Report: Year 3

by Kelly Kirby June 22, 2021

Field Report: Day 458

by Kelly Kirby June 9, 2021

Field Report: Day 435

by Kelly Kirby May 26, 2021

Field Report: YOU CAN’T ASK ME THAT

by Kelly Kirby May 18, 2021

Field Report: Return To Battle

by Kelly Kirby May 4, 2021

Field Report: Day 394

by Kelly Kirby April 21, 2021

Field Report: Day 392

by Kelly Kirby April 13, 2021

Field Report: Day 385

by Kelly Kirby April 7, 2021

Field Report: Day 379

by Kelly Kirby March 23, 2021

Field Report: FBI Edition

by Kelly Kirby March 18, 2021

Field Report: Happy One-Year Anniversary!

by Kelly Kirby March 16, 2021

Field Report: Day 358

by Kelly Kirby March 9, 2021

Field Report: The Apple Cinnamon Hellscape

by Kelly Kirby March 2, 2021

Field Report: Atheists in the Foxhole Edition

by Kelly Kirby February 25, 2021

Field Report: Day 354

by Kelly Kirby February 23, 2021

Field Report: How Words Work

by Kelly Kirby January 6, 2021

Field Report: The Week After

by Kelly Kirby December 29, 2020

Field Report: Morning Edition

by Kelly Kirby December 23, 2020

• Field Report: Retired Ladies EditionFebruary 16, 2022
  In which a coroner and fake coke fiend walk into The Field while Private Ryan is away.
• Field Report: Holiday Recap EditionJanuary 6, 2022
  In which we all come down with “chapped lips” and no one thinks Private Ryan is a gangster.
• Field Report: It’s ComingNovember 8, 2021
  In which gunpowder and grumpiness rule the day.
• Field Report: Day 567October 4, 2021
  In which Fed Ex Express (and people who drive Tahoes) incur my very hot, very hangry wrath.
• Field Report: Ah, SummerAugust 23, 2021
  In which the heat brings out the best in people and we learn that silence has a monetary value.
• Field Report: The Idiot’s Guide To Shipping A PackageJuly 17, 2021
  In which we learn about geographical sleeping habits and strange ways to carry packages.
• Field Report: Year 3June 22, 2021
  In which a customer thinks I’m interrogating them and we ship a fifth-grade-level book report.
• Field Report: Day 458June 9, 2021
  In which we meditate on ways to handle customers.
• Field Report: Day 435May 26, 2021
  In which we meet Mr. Hrrmph who is VERY upset about bubble envelopes.
• Field Report: YOU CAN’T ASK ME THATMay 18, 2021
  In which we contemplate Field weaponry and the brand new mask rules.
• Field Report: Return To BattleMay 4, 2021
  In which we discuss oranges and crackheads.
• Field Report: Day 394April 21, 2021
  In which we agree to play paper/rock/scissors to decide which one of us is going to jail.
• Field Report: Day 392April 13, 2021
  In which a lady loses her mind over wanting free things but not THOSE free things.
• Field Report: Day 385April 7, 2021
  In which Private Ryan creates a whole new nationalized mail company and we almost die of heat exhaustion in April.
• Field Report: Day 379March 23, 2021
  In which we meet CreepyMan and pepper spray gets involved.
• Field Report: FBI EditionMarch 18, 2021
  In which two FBI agents ask to speak to “the manager” and Private Ryan wished I was there.
• Field Report: Happy One-Year Anniversary!March 16, 2021
  In which we celebrate my (8)1st year of Field Reports…
• Field Report: Day 358March 9, 2021
  In which I play, “Is that jelly or blood leaking out of that box?”
• Field Report: The Apple Cinnamon HellscapeMarch 2, 2021
  In which I worry that a caramel apple has liquified in less than three minutes.
• Field Report: Atheists in the Foxhole EditionFebruary 25, 2021
  The day we became Bible thumpers because they were too heavy to set down quietly.
• Field Report: Day 354February 23, 2021
  Private Ryan is on vacation, but his 387 “best friends” are still around.
• Field Report: How Words WorkJanuary 6, 2021
  In which I dance with abandon on the line of using insure/ensure correctly.
• Field Report: The Week AfterDecember 29, 2020
  When the truth is absurd, go with the truth.
• Field Report: Morning EditionDecember 23, 2020
  In which I philosophize about the color white and painter’s tape.
• Field Report: “It’s Bad” EditionDecember 17, 2020
  Today I imagined hitting my head on the counter and falling unconscious for a bit, just to get a break.
• Field Report: 2 Chicken Strips & A MilkshakeDecember 15, 2020
  I am about to lose a toenail and have nodules on the bottom of my foot. Otherwise, all good.
• Field Report: Dec 7-9December 9, 2020
  In which I create new words to express how much I don’t care about your Amazon return.
• Field Report: December 2-4December 6, 2020
  It’s not Basic Training anymore, kids.
• Field Report: December 1December 1, 2020
  In which Private Ryan and I descend into madness.
• Field Report: Here Comes Christmas EditionNovember 19, 2020
  In which I award myself two new official titles.
• Field Report: Election Day EditionNovember 3, 2020
  The threat of the thread is real.
• On My Way To The Field ReportOctober 15, 2020
  When Trumpers say “fuck your feelings,” they really only mean Empathy.
• Field Report: Mr. Shoe EditionSeptember 28, 2020
  Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Shoe and his one Croc.
• Field Report: Day 213September 25, 2020
  Time to talk about APES (Amazon Prototypical Explorers of Stuff)
• Field Report: Month 6September 22, 2020
  In which I go in search of the perfect Field mask.
• Field Report: Day 27July 31, 2020
  Learn why I put a cell phone in a cooler yesterday. Also: Dirt.
• Field Report: Day 26July 7, 2020
  My apologies for the long absence. Global chaos can wreak havoc on a sense of humor.
• Base Report: AptitudesJune 17, 2020
  One cannot just ignore one’s aptitude test from 2003.
• Field Report: Day 25June 8, 2020
  Take advantage of times when karma says, “You can do this one.”
• Base Report: Sitting EditionMay 27, 2020
  Come let me take you on a tour of all the chairs in our house!
• Base Report: sob EditionMay 25, 2020
  It’s a partially collapsed lung lobe but DON’T WORRY THAT’S COMMON.
• Field Report: Day 24May 20, 2020
  I apparently work for the Virus Conversation Coalition. At least it’s not Amazon.
• Field Report: The First Day of FearMay 14, 2020
  I wrote a letter to Gov. Walz. Cuz it’s a democracy and everything.
• Field Report: Day 23May 12, 2020
  One conversation is all you need to know.
• Field Report: Day 22May 7, 2020
  Survived very awkward customer-to-customer interaction while “We Are The Champions” played on my speaker.
• Field Report: Day 21May 4, 2020
  Silk monkeys and metaphysical healing kits. Definitely a Monday.
• Base Report: Becky EditionMay 3, 2020
  The wonder and joy of observing mass panic on Facebook.
• Field Report: Day 20April 27, 2020
  Civilian stopped in store and commented on our dirt. Should be in newspaper tomorrow.
• Field Report: Day 19April 23, 2020
  “I’d like to donate an electronic doorbell to your shop.” No.
• Field Report: Day 18April 21, 2020
  Redefining “Rub some dirt on it” around here.
• Field Report: Day 17April 21, 2020
  Monday required a night’s sleep to prepare a short report.
• Field Report: Colonel EditionApril 19, 2020
  Hi! It’s Colonel C with a Field Update because I LEFT BASE!!!!
• Field Report: Day 16April 16, 2020
  Unicorns. And bull penises.
• Base Report: USPS EditionApril 15, 2020
  Which is more important to have: Guns or information?
• Field Report: Day 15April 14, 2020
  Unintentional field experiments are not particularly enjoyable.
• Field Report: Day 14April 13, 2020
  My virtual baseball card collection is impressive. Also: Drones.
• Field Report: Day 13April 9, 2020
  The day we learned the definition of “overnight”
• Field Report: Day 12April 7, 2020
  The day Democracy caught coronavirus in Wisconsin.
• Field Report: Day 11April 6, 2020
  Man’s inability to see antiques without trying to touch remains.
• Field Report: Day 10April 2, 2020
  For Easter, I would like an apocalyptic movie please.
• Base Report: Day 2April 1, 2020
  What is the nerdiest app you can think of? I downloaded it.
• Field Report: Day 9March 31, 2020
  Became a courier briefly. Putting it on resume.
• Field Report: Day 8March 30, 2020
  Customer suggested “candy rate” during pandemic. Almost cried.
• Field Report: Day 7March 29, 2020
  In which we learn if you’ve never used a Bible quote to describe antiques, you’re missing out.
• Field Report: Day 6March 24, 2020
  In which Kwik Trip starts construction and customers begin shipping conspiracy theories.
• Field Report: Day 5March 23, 2020
  In which Wisconsin closes and I wonder if I’ll need an interstate passport.
• Weekend Leave: 1March 22, 2020
  In which Colonel spends quarantine making sphere ice cubes.
• Field Report: Day 4March 20, 2020
  In which we learn washing hands is forfeiting civil liberties. Pass it on.
• Field Report: Day 3March 19, 2020
  In which I began asking panicked customers to cite their sources on their virus “research.”
• Base Report: Day 1March 18, 2020
  In which I witnessed Paper Product Panic™ firsthand. Increased alcohol rations.
• Field Report: Day 2March 17, 2020
  In which a customer used the word “sheeple” today about everyone washing their hands.
• Field Report: Day 1March 16, 2020
  In which we learn how to pass the time when the world is acting like they poop every time they cough.