Cupcakes were all the rage in Iowa circa 2014. The following is a conversation my mom and I had that I diligently took notes on and did not possibly make up any of the facts of which you are about to read. This is the way all of my mom stories go. Completely true. Non-hyperbolic. I should write a book, really.
The Cupcake Caper
Mom: “So do you want to hear my cupcake story?”
Mom: “Okay, so you know how Tim [my parents’ partner in shenanigans] goes to get those scratch cupcakes all the time and then has us over for tasting purposes?”
Me: “The ones made with what sounds like cocaine because you talk about them more than you talk about your grandchild?”
Mom: “You don’t always have to use drugs to be funny.”
Me: “I don’t use drugs.”
Mom: “That’s not what I meant.”
Me: “So you and the crack cupcakes…”
Mom: “They are called scratch cupcakes.”
Me: “Yep. Got it.”
Mom: “Anyway. I told Tim that the scratch cupcakes were going to be in Ossian [6 miles away from Mom] on Monday from 10 to 1 in the park. And he said, “What? Where did you see that?” And I told him I had no idea where I saw that, but I just knew they were going to be in Ossian on Monday from 10 to 1 in the park. Then I hung up on him.
Me: Go on.
Mom: A few hours later, he called back and said, “I don’t understand where you saw that, but I cannot find that information anywhere.” So I said I probably saw it in the paper. Then a few hours later, he called back again. “Bob and I have looked in every paper from the area for the last week and we have seen no mention of this occurrence anywhere.” So I laughed and said I would find it for them.
Me: Let me guess.
Mom: “But then I looked. And Kelly, I could not find any advertisement for this anywhere. I looked in all of our papers. Dad and I searched online. I looked on Facebook because I follow Scratch Cupcakery or like it or whatever gives you the information and there was no mention of an event in Ossian anywhere. I even Google’d it. Next, I called Tim back and I said, “Tim. I must have dreamed it.” And he and Bob had a really good laugh and I thought perhaps I had lost my mind or I just dream in incredible detail.”
Me: “Which wouldn’t shock me since Type A personalities probably plan their dreams pretty carefully.”
Mom: “I don’t have time for your therapizing, Kelly. I’m in the middle of the story. Now, Monday rolls around and all of a sudden, Melanie – my friend who just friended you on Facebook – put on my wall that Scratch Cupcakes were in Ossian and your dad and I should take a road trip. Truthfully, I thought that somehow, she had found out about my super detailed dream and was just messing with me. So I called Pam and Pam said, “Oh, yes. They are setting up.” Guess what time and where, Kelly?!? Guess!!”
Me: “In the park. From 10 to 1.”
Mom: “IN THE PARK FROM 10 to 1!! So I rush over there and get in line and then I call Tim and I said, “Tim guess where I am?” He guessed all the regular places I go and I just kept saying, “Nope, nope, nope.” And he finally gave up cuz he has a business to run and didn’t have time to guess anymore. And I said, “I’m in line. In the park in Ossian. For Scratch Cupcakes!!”
Me: “That is crazy impressive, Mom.”
Mom: “I know! And Tim was super excited for me. But I was super excited for me because of what that meant.”
Me: “What did that mean?”
Mom: “So while in line, on the phone, laughing, I exclaimed quite loudly, “Do you know what this means? This means that TODAY, I AM NOT CRAZY!!!”
Not to be morbid, but I really think that would be one hell of an epitaph, no?