One Event. Two Perspectives: My Dog vs. Me


My dog and I are having a disagreement as to how to best present this event. We have wildly differing tales.  You can vote later.  He says he gets to go first.

My…Slider’s…the dog’s…take…the truth…treat?…

I’m lying there.  I mean, I’m usually lying there, right under her feet and everything, but today, I was super duper tired because we went for this really long walk and it was awesome because I got to do that thing where I think about marking something with my right leg up, but then I change my mind and do it with my left leg up except WHOOPS! psych! I really wanted to do it with my right leg up.  I’m the best at walking.  And really, it’s not walking as much as stop.sniff.sprint.strangle as I rapidly reach the end of my leash.  It’s enjoyable for everyone. 

Sometimes, Daley just sits down in protest to my pattern of walking.  Well, we can’t all be little-miss-I-can-walk-myself-because-I’m-perfect.  I’m here to remind people of what a dog is actually like, not that half-human four-legged freak they call a dog because she is NOT a dog.  When we’re locked up all day?  The bitch reads Dostoevsky.  Anyway, we’re walking…no wait, I’m lying.  Wait.  I should start over.

So I’m lying there on the floor because I’m not used to being exercised because one of my mommies is in some random place called China and I hear her on the computer sometimes but I don’t say I hear her because that might make me crazy, y’know?  I mean, who talks through the computer?  I assume the mommy who is still here is just off her rocker and enjoys speaking randomly at things.  Sometimes, she tries to talk to me and says things like, “Come” or “Sit” or “Stay” but I just ignore her because humans who talk to dogs are weird don’t you think?  All side notes.

I’m just minding my own business on the rug that Grandma came up and vacuumed today because Clean Mommy is the one in China and Helpless Mommy is the one sitting here with her feet on the clean ottoman. 

Then all of a sudden, it falls from the sky.  It attacks me as though sent from the wrath of God.  I am shot out of my very beautiful peaceful doggy sleep and fly across the room.  In the process, I hit my butt on the rocking chair, which scares me as much as that can when I was just abruptly and rudely woken up from a nap. 

So I spin around and try to attack the rocking chair but instead, accidentally bite my doggy tail, which I tend to do.  Well, that makes me yelp a little bit and then I flop on my back and am just completely freaking out.  Freaking out! 

So then I have to run because that’s what I do.  I run to the deck door and I run back to the ottoman and I throw my head back and howl at Daley because I want to know if she happened to see the huge thing fall from the sky. 

She growls because she says the sky is fine but I don’t think so.  I think the sky is crazy bad and I need to go out to see.  So I jump on Helpless Mommy and sniff her quickly and she says, “Seriously, Slider?” and I’m like, “Seriously, Mommy, I need to see the sky.”  So she gets up and saunters over to the dog’s door to let me out.  I run outside and it seems like the sky is okay.  But still.  I needed to pee.  It was frightening.


My… Kelly’s… the human… Her take:

Earlier tonight, I dropped a napkin on Slider’s head.

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