Field Reports

Field Report: Day 458

June 9, 2021

Sergeant K

I meditate every morning. I use the Shine app which has an entire collection of different meditation genres with different goals, foci, etc. I recently put in a request for the new genre of “What to do when your customer…” and then I’d be happy to fill in the rest.

I’ll pitch you some ideas now. Ready? What to do when your customer…

…tells you the address you just read to them is wrong and then says the same address back to you.

Find yourself a comfortable position. Rest your hands comfortably in your lap and relax all the tension in your shoulders, arms, and legs. Feel your entire weight supported by your chair and melt into only the present moment.

Make it halfway through saying, “That’s what I said,” before questioning whether or not you actually spoke out loud. Perhaps you just thought you said “3889 North Grumpy Avenue” but instead, you said “893024 County Road 24” and therefore, it is completely reasonable for the customer to correct you.

When the same customer subsequently acts as though you are an idiot and then scoffs at the price of their shipment, saying that the cost of things is “absurd” and that they are “happy” that they are “old” and “will die soon,” you can probably rest assured that you didn’t read the address wrong and maybe it’s about them.

…comes raging in with an Amazon return wearing a shirt that says “Cute But Psycho!”

Now that you have begun visualizing yourself in a peaceful location, allow thoughts to come in and out of your mind without judgment. They can pass by you without having to grasp onto any one of them. You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are not you.

But know that this customer is not wearing the shirt ironically. Think of it as a nametag. Let them tell you how stupid everything in the world is because Amazon sent them a size 8 shoe when they ordered a 7. Remember you are no longer wearing a mask so you cannot make your “WTF” face anymore without someone seeing. This is important for finding inner peace.

…brings you candy and donuts even though you recently screwed up their shipment.

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in a rut, feeling like people are inherently bad, selfish, or out to get us. We feel like forgiveness is in short supply and that there is no answer to the evil that threatens us. But there is goodness and kindness in the world.

The answer here is to eat the candy and donuts.

…brings in her son to meet Private Ryan.

Everyone has a story you don’t know and is facing a battle you know nothing about. Just as you have a story others don’t know and your internal battles can sometimes threaten to interrupt your daily life. Being able to acknowledge the presence of this battle and retain hope that it shall pass can be your day’s goal. Tell the battle that you understand it is there and you can see it needs attention, but it will need to be when you are not at work.

You’re not sure why a customer wants their grown adult son to meet Private Ryan. Knowing the customer, it is because they think the world of him and perhaps tell their son quite frequently about how he helps you to ship packages. But you would be lying if you said that there is a not small part of you that hopes the customer was trying to set her son up with Private Ryan because they want him as a son-in-law.

…brings in a backpack to send back to a college buddy with an open bottle of lotion on the side.

The world is full of decisions and there are days where having to make just one more choice seems overwhelming. Some people forge ahead to “just get it done” and others make no choice other than to make no choice. It is okay to take a time out to reassess whether any of the decisions still need to be made that day.

Gently cover your hand with a latex glove, grab a plastic bag, wrap the entire lotion bottle in the plastic bag being sure to tie a knot tightly, pack carefully in a box, go home, and shower.

…lies to your boss about what you told him in a way that is so outlandish, your boss puts them on speakerphone so you can hear how insane it is.

It is tempting to protect your ego at all costs. We are driven to believe we are smart, competent, and strong. The stress of pretending you are never wrong is exhausting and not worth the energy expenditure. It’s okay to admit someone else knows something you don’t. It’s okay to say, “Well, shit. I don’t remember.” These things make you human. Rest in the knowledge you are human.

That being said, no – you don’t have to doubt that you misheard this customer say their package was worth $1300 when they are now claiming to have told you $900. Those words don’t sound alike. You specifically remember asking if each item was worth $650 and the customer telling you it was more like “800 and 500.” You are welcome to laugh when you hear them say, “Well, that girl told me this wouldn’t be a problem. And it’s too bad because I was going to leave you a good review.”

Some people make no effort to avoid reacting to any insult to their ego, going so far as to attempt to threaten you with a bad review to get you to do something that is, essentially, smuggling. You know they are lying. You can rest in the truth. You can also wait for any possible bad review they might leave so that you may respond kindly. And by “kindly,” I mean “Assertively and full of the knowledge that you have video of the entire transaction.”

Just know your ego is tripped wildly when someone implies you are incompetent, a liar, or “that girl.” That’s a good time for a quick meditation in the backroom. And might I suggest scream therapy.

We will take three deep breaths now as we prepare to face the rest of our day. Inhale for five, hold for seven, exhale for eight. Allow the calm to wash over you. Namaste.

Colonel C

We got a new bed on Tuesday. I think I’ve owned cars that cost less but sleep is vital. My primary concern right now, though, is teaching Dodger to catch treats in the air. This also feels vital. He’s doing well so far. I’m proud of him.

Harry, on the other hand, struggles. And I don’t mean struggling with catching the treat. I mean he struggles to even note where the treat is coming from. It bonks him on the head without him so much as considering opening his mouth. After spending time with Grandpa, his head was covered in Cheeto dust from all the bites bouncing off parts of his face.

I shall persist.

With Dodger.

I’m not a masochist.

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