I got confirmed today. Fantastic. I got 2 chains, 1 watch, and 50 dollars. It wasn’t bad. I also feel mad. I hate being mad when I don’t know why. I haven’t been this pissed for quite some time. Thrilling. I’ll figure it out. Yep. This is gonna be one hell of a bad week if I don’t watch it. C-ya!”
May 14, 1994
My Dearest Lil’Wonky,
We need to have a small conversation about a few things in this entry, one of which is at the end of every entry in this entire diary. Who, exactly, are you saying “C-ya!” to and, much more importantly, why? The choice to end each entry with “C-ya!” followed by your full signature seems… odd. Were you practicing your autograph for all of those future requests from others who would obviously be collecting them from amazing people?
Or did you want to make sure that, should any of these entries be discovered by others, they would for sure know it was you that wrote them? That is a strange choice for someone who basically wrote in code for fear others would see it. Plausible deniability takes a hit, dear, when you’ve signed your name to it.
But let’s focus on the C-ya! Because I’ve come around to the idea that you were actually a genius for this. You were texting with your diary before texting was even a thing. I’m excited to keep reading. If you drop a “WTF” or an “LOL” in the next few entries, I will begin to promote the idea that you, actually, created the internet.
The credit I’m willing to give you stops at the line of debating which is worse, though. The idea you shortened “see” or the idea that you shortened “you.” Those are three-letter words, Lil’Wonky. The need to shorten them is definitely called into question since you were 14 years old and had a lot of time to use the missing letters.
I appreciate knowing that even then, you were cataloging what gifts you received for believing in God. Never really bought into the idea that “Christ’s love” was enough of a gift, huh? If I hadn’t known been you, I would imagine this middle school white girl from Iowa with multiple gold chains strung around her neck. (I was fully prepared to make a joke about being the original “2 Chainz” before looking that rapper up on Wiki. Did you know he originally went by Tity Boi and Drenchgod? No. Are you glad you now know that information? Again, no.)
I’m very proud to say that 27 years later you still do that one-feeling-word-followed-by-period thing. A therapist might say that you struggle with addressing you emotions honestly by constantly mocking them in that way. What I know, though, is that even if you had seen a therapist then and that therapist had pointed that out to you, you probably would have just written them in all capital letters instead. “I got confirmed today. FANTASTIC.” Prove that you can actually mock those feeling words even harder if you wanted to. That’ll show ’em!
I don’t know why you were mad, either. If I had to guess, I’d probably go with the idea that you were a closeted homo and felt like you could never be your true self and all you got for your efforts to fit in was 2 chains, 1 watch, and $50. I could be wrong. We’ll find out later I guess.
C-ya!
wonkypenguin
