This is going around Facebook and I find it important to answer questions people have. It’s how they learn.
Congratulations President Elect Biden and soon to be President Biden! With that said, I’m going to need some help from my Democratic Liberal friends:
1. Can I borrow the #NotMyPresident hashtag or is that reserved for President Trump?
You can totally have the hashtag. Although your cohorts are crying about how a private publisher decided not to publish Josh Hawley’s Idiot Manifesto and saying it’s “Orwellian” and how Twitter is terrible for not allowing you to hashtag 1984. Except Twitter doesn’t allow hashtags of numbers. So learn how hashtags work, okay? But keep any eye out for all those terrible private companies crushing your idiot interpretation of the First Amendment.
2. Who do I contact to see if Republicans are boycotting the Inauguration, like the Democrats did for President Trump?
I would assume Parler. But your leader, the second coming of Andrew Johnson, isn’t going so I can only assume you won’t.
3. Do I have to accept the election results, or can I cry for four years, claiming election interference?
You can absolutely cry for four years! By all means. Just, y’know, maybe don’t kill law enforcement personnel and other people while you whine.
4. Am I entitled to see Biden’s tax returns to learn how his income jumped dramatically in one year (I mean, we all know how and why. Just show the proof.)?
Yes. Well, I mean, now your guy set the precedent that they don’t have to so I don’t know.
5. Am I allowed to trash anything that Biden says, without repercussion, because I’m just expressing myself?
Yes! You can trash everything he says. The consequences are determined by where you say it, though. Then your beloved free market capitalistic society might, say, suspend your Twitter or something.
6. Is there a sign-up somewhere for riots, do organizers call me, or how does that work, since I didn’t get my way?
As soon as a police officer kneels on the neck of someone you love until they die or kills an 8-year-old holding a toy gun, etc., you will be contacted. Or, again, Parler.
7. Are businesses targeted because they supported Biden, or do I just pick a business that has something I want to take home?
If you want to loot businesses, aim for the big ones. You’ll recognize which ones qualify as big when you look at the list of businesses who pay no taxes thanks to your politicians! It’s very convenient. Also you’re white so you’ll waltz right out of there. I’m just suggesting you maybe try those instead of a building representative of American democracy. Fun change of pace.
8. Were the thousands of businesses that boarded up for fear of riots, for Conservatives or Liberals? If they were for Conservatives, did I miss the riots already???
No no — cops let you right in on your riot. You’re good.
9. Where are the safe spaces at? Is there a map or something? I may need to go cry for a little while (because of how stupid our country has become).
I’m not sure how many times I’m going to have to answer “Parler” in this list here, but your people have already created a safe space and team uniforms! (Red hat, gaudy awful clothing that desecrates the American flag, etc.)
10. Does all the free stuff your party has promised, just come or do I have to quit my job first?
Well, one of the “free” options might be college, but I know none of you are worried about that. The other stuff will arrive in things like: Lowered abortion rate, fewer crimes committed by people you deem “mentally ill,” better education for your kids, smoother roads, etc.
11. What is the address you guys have been sending all that extra tax money to, since you think people aren’t paying enough in taxes? I’m sure you have been voluntarily sending in more than required…
Well, right now our taxes are all tied up because we have to use them to clean up the fucking Capitol so we’ll get back to you when we decide to fix things all ya’ll broke.
12. When my 401K crashes, will the President Elect make up for that in give-a-ways, or am I just screwed?
I dunno. What did you do when it crashed in March? Or in 2008, the last time we had a Republican president? You guys should be used to this by now.
13. Since Socialism is what you just voted in, if my neighbor has something I want, do I just take it or do I have to let him know I’m taking it (Personally, I have had my eye on the brand NEW Mercedes SUV, a couple of doors down … Biden sign in yard.).
Since you have no problem getting rich off the backs of the working class while ensuring the poor stay that way, I’d say you’re already brilliant at stealing shit from other people there, Sparky.
14. When gas gets unaffordable, is there an EBT card for that?
Oh, sweetie, it’ll be okay. Just do whatever you did when gas prices exploded in the early 2000s when we got into that totally unnecessary war with the wrong country.
15. I have seen the gatherings of Conservatives protesting the election results, but something is wrong, nothing is getting destroyed. Did you guys go to a class for that, or could you provide some pointers on how to do it right, please?
Seriously? There’s a photo of Trump supporter feces smeared on the walls of the Capitol around here somewhere.
16. The Conservative gatherings were dubbed super spreader events, yet the protests and now election gatherings by Liberals, are not. Did you guys secretly come out with the vaccine?
This one always makes me giggle. We wear masks and care about other people. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourselves. I know you hate science but, like, this one ain’t hard.
17. Funny how the CDC has come up with a vaccine, soon after you were pronounced the President Elect. Can you, all your family, and colleagues take it first, to ensure it works?
I would have been part of the vaccine trial if they’d asked and will get it as soon as possible. You just keep sitting back and waiting for all of us to inadvertently protect you while we’re trying to protect people we love.
18. So, now you are the President Elect and soon to be President Biden, Is every death now on you, or is it President Trump’s responsibility, just at your convenience?
We’ll wait and see what President Biden does with the vaccine rollout (which is a f***ing debacle because you’re enamored with a raging narcissist who you all insists represents YOU). Considering Americans are dying at a rate of “one 9/11’s worth” of people every day, the bar is quite low for improvement. If President Biden doesn’t do anything, then eventually, the deaths will be on him.
19. During Biden’s State of the Union Address, is Nancy going to tear up the speech on national television, or does she only do that with President Trump?
His State of the Union will be coherent and won’t include giving Rush fucking Limbaugh a Medal of Honor so she’ll probably wait and shred it later.
I’m sorry for all the questions, this is all new to me. I want to make sure I get it right!
I’m here for your questions! In summation, though, basically your answers are: Parler, stop being assholes, and leave the complicated stuff to the thinking adults. They’re about to take over. You’ll be okay, lil buddy.