World Events!

About America’s “Divorce”

The range of post-election memes and “thinkpieces” is quite extensive and redundant so it is hard to believe any of them require any kind of actual response. The majority of these stand on their own Island of Misfit Thoughts, but then there is this one.

This one is glorious. This one is being reposted by the America First crowd and, you guys, I’m seriously starting to question if they actually care about America for all of its possibilities. I mean – it sort of seems like they love a very specific version of America and, if we’re not willing to work with them, they want to have a divorce.

So I guess I’ll help with the first round of dissolution negotiations. Ready?

I did not write this, however …. I cannot say that I disagree with it. A house divided cannot stand and I personally am so tired of this constant fighting over basic beliefs, principles, morals and values. –DIVORCE AGREEMENTTHIS IS INCREDIBLY WELL-PUT, AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S WRITTEN BY A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.

First off, it’s a divorce decree. Secondly, I question the age of this “student.” Anyone can go to college, but if a 23-year-old wrote this then Fox News really has won.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al:

I love the descending order of this list that was obviously created by someone’s label maker. Marxists and THEN Obama supporters. I suppose it makes sense, though. At least Marx was a white German. These people seem to have a sort of fondness for that type of person.

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

I’ll fix this for you. “We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but then you decided you wanted black people and women to have rights.”

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

I feel like the “friendly terms” portion of our marriage has long since passed and perhaps, much like your idealized memory of a time you probably didn’t even live through, maybe never existed.

Here is our separation agreement:__Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

We get the north and coasts. That’s pretty easy.

After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

I’m very excited for what you have in mind!

—We don’t like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

Yes, AmericaFirstistan will hold onto that strong ideal that no one can ever be rich enough and if you’re poor, it’s because you’re lazy and just don’t want it enough. You’re more than welcome to that system.

–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

I would fucking hope so except in New Utopia, the ACLU will get really bored and have very little to do.

–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

Do you promise? Don’t tempt me with promises you can’t keep.

–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

We’ll take our redistributed taxes and fund wind, solar, and bio-diesel. You keep the oil and coal, prop them up with corporate welfare, and then see what happens. (Really, the inclusion of coal in this shows how far behind AmericaFirstistan already is.)

–You can keep Oprah, Whoopi, Bill Maher, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell and the b’s from the View (including Megan McCain). You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them.

Um, okay? Not sure how Rosie O’Donnell is still relevant to this conversation but whatevs.

–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.

I guess we’ll take democratic socialism and Target.

–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.

So we get to keep humans then? And we get to treat them with respect using our plans and policies? And we don’t have to criminalize their behaviors so private prisons profit? And we can never again call anyone illegal aliens? And what the hell are “homeboys” here?

–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs, and rednecks.

“Hot Alaskan hockey moms” seems like a very specific fetish for this “student.” And yes, of course you’ll keep your greedy CEOs and rednecks. That is already implied with New Utopia having to take redistributive taxes and no guns.

–We’ll keep Bill O’Reilly and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

How about if we voluntarily give you all of the scummy television personalities with sexual harassments/assault allegations/convictions? You keep the odd version of the Bible you people read and we’ll take the actual Bible. Can we have ABC and CBS, too?

And yes, we will take Hollywood. New Utopia will then claim copyright of every single movie, television show, and entertainment programming that Hollywood provides, and AmericaFirstistan will never again have to deal with any of those things. It also implies we get California which solves the pharmaceutical problem from above. Good negotiation.

–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

The word is “diplomacy.” And you’ve proven yourselves quite inept at identifying which countries are actual threats to us. So please. Go “hammer” away and watch the world turn on you. Good luck with that.

–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters, Antif and BLM.

Well, I mean, you’ve already claimed war, rednecks, and the right to keep people in poverty. So, again, you’ve given us “humans” and we’ll happily take them all.

And once again, Antifa and BLM are ideas and philosophies, not a person.

–When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

<giggling> What allies? Russia?

–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

I take issue with the word “keep” in this sentence.

–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLaine. You can also have the UN., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

So you mean the First Amendment? Wow. Okay, I guess we’ll take the First.

Also, and I mean this with no disrespect, but I honestly thought Shirley MacLaine was dead. My apologies to her. Plus, she’s included in Hollywood so we’ve already got her.

–We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.


–You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.

Not once have you claimed doctors. Don’t think we haven’t noticed. They’re already living with us and will be paid accordingly with costs going down since New Utopia will obviously allow you to keep private insurance companies. You can keep Trump’s doctor and his ilk.

–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

We’ll keep “America the Beautiful” and find a new national anthem that doesn’t end in a fucking question.

–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine,” “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing,” “Kum Baya,” or “We Are the World.”

Those are good songs, but I thought maybe, since we also took all the musicians worth a shit (please see: peaceniks, hippies, Hollywood and, I assume, New York), that we could come up with something unique.

Also Francis Scott Key was an ignorant racist.

–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle-up poverty your best shot.

Of course you will since you’re incapable of understanding or caring about all of the research that exists describing how trickle-down economics is a load of bollocks. “Trickle-up poverty” is what passes for conservative humor. We’ll be aiming for “economic equality” though.

–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name, and our flag.

Which flag? You seem a bit enamored with the Confederate one. You’ll have to be more specific. And I don’t think the group initiating the divorce of the “United” states should get to keep it. AmericaFirstistan is much better and much more accurate.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along (share) to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

This letter first appeared in 2009. Apparently, you guys are really dragging your feet on this decree. Just a bunch of talk, all y’all.

P.S. Also, please take George Clooney, Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Short, Charlie Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and (Hanoi) Jane Fonda with you.

Yes. Hollywood. You’ve mentioned this. You have quite the obsession with it.

–P.P.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

No no. You’ll have to press 2 for English since 1 will be reserved for Russian.

1 thought on “About America’s “Divorce””

Leave a Reply