Field Reports, Writing

Field Report: Mr. Shoe Edition

Sergeant K

Approached Monday in the Field cautiously. Was right to do so. Meditated this morning. Was right to do that as well.

At one point during an interaction, Private Ryan thought a customer suddenly asked if he could talk. He stared at her. She looked at him. This lasted a bit. She finally repeated the address and he said, “Oh! Utah! I thought you asked if I could talk!” To which I asked, “So you stood silently?”

Attempted to help two college students with Amazon returns. Private Ryan currently believes all college students are lepers of Covid. Bold belief from a guy who went to the Covid Capital of the US a week ago for sushi.

The students needed some help when Mr. Shoe called (you’ll understand in a minute). Private Ryan answered and said, “She’s with someone but I can have her call you.” Said I was almost done so he put Mr. Shoe on hold, handed me the phone, and said, “He sounds like your fantasy guy.”

The students looked at me and then looked at him and then he finally added, “Your fantasy BASEBALL guy.” The students nodded, relieved that their gaydar is still intact.

Another phone call. “Do you need a legal guardian to ship things?” I actually stammered, “Only if you’re shipping a rental car or something.”

Actual customer replied to Private First Class inquiring how she was, “I have to practice walking in the cemetery so I don’t trip.” While there is a plausible explanation for this quote, I prefer it completely out of context.

Confused by customer wearing a Train (the band) t-shirt with a Train (the band) hat with a massive Trump 2020 pin attached to the hat. Definitely not a Soul Sister.

Mr. Shoe: A Four Act Play

Act One

Phone: **ring ring**
Me: Pac-n-Mail. This is wonkypenguin.
Mr. Shoe: Hi there. Is this FedEx?
Me: This is Pac-n-Mail. We ship FedEx.
Mr. Shoe: Oh okay. Well, I need someone to go pick up a shoe at Perkins.
Me: What?
Mr. Shoe: I lost a shoe in the parking lot of Perkins and I need someone to go pick it up and then ship it to me.
Me: A shoe?
Mr. Shoe: Yes. A Croc to be more specific. I need someone to go pick it up.
Me: We don’t typically go pick up things because there are currently only two of us here. If someone could bring it to us, we could then ship it for you.
Mr. Shoe: So I need to call and have someone bring it to Pac-n-Tank?
Me: **makes face that says “Where did you get tank out of any of this?”** Mail. Pac-n-Mail.
Mr. Shoe: Oh okay. So I can just ask someone to bring that to you?
Me: Yes. You can. I’ll just take down your name and address and number.
Mr. Shoe: Okay. I’ll call them and then I’ll call you back.

Act Two

Private Ryan: I swear I saw a Croc on the floor here earlier! It was right there! Are you sure they didn’t drop it off already?
Me: And then someone stole it? And then he called us to see if someone could bring it to us?
Private Ryan: I swear I saw it here!
Me: You should see a doctor.

Act Three

**My good friend Allison who is the manager at Perkins enters stage shop entrance carrying a plastic sack**
Allison: *enthusiastically* I believe I have a shoe for you!
Me: Oh my god. I thought about telling him to ask for you but I wasn’t sure you’d be there and I didn’t want your staff texting you about a shoe.
Allison: Oh – I had a lobby full of customers when the call came in. They started laughing when I said, “Sir, I don’t have your shoe.” And then they about died when a customer came in WITH the shoe while I was on the phone.
Me: I wasn’t sure it was real. Who on earth goes through all of this for a Croc? And how did it end up in the parking lot?
Allison: No idea but I didn’t touch this thing.
Me: I don’t want to touch it either. But I need a picture.
Allison: Well, good luck from here.
Me: I remember when I was younger and thought the American Dream was shipping one wet Croc and now it’s happening. So exciting.

Act Four

Me: Hello, Mr. Shoe. We’ve made the exchange so I’m ready to ship your Croc.
Mr. Shoe: That’s so amazing. Allison mentioned you two were good buddies. What are the chances?
Me: I don’t know but I’m glad we could experience this together.
Mr. Shoe: I want to send her a thank you. What is the address for Perkins?
Me: Um…
Mr. Shoe: Can you email it to me with the receipt?
Me: Sure. Do you need this Croc overnighted or anything?
Mr. Shoe: No – I’m headed up North. I just need it for church on Sunday.
Me: Well, it is a Dress Croc.
Mr. Shoe: It is! Thank you so much!

The End.

Colonel C

I thought our next door neighbor was leaning in to give me a hug for helping him with his ballot and instead he kissed me full on the lips and so I gargled Lysol and lit my mouth on fire.

At least I didn’t have to touch his shoe.

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