Sergeant K
People describe August as the “dog days of summer” in baseball, as though living a day as a dog would be (a) difficult or (b) a slog. I want a dog’s day. A domesticated and loved dog’s day should be the aspiration of all Americans at this point.
Of course I may be partial to the term “dog’s day” right now. I realized I didn’t do a field report in August because there were puppies. In fact, I don’t remember much of anything else that happened aside from “dog died – got new dog – got new dog – friend got new dog’s brother – all dogs needed vet appointments – dogs dogs dogs – sometimes six dogs – planning get together with friends who have four dogs – could be ten dogs – dogs don’t sleep past 4:30 a.m. – dogs.”
Somewhere in there, I went to The Field to continue the Sisyphean activity of participating in capitalism. “I guess I’ll see you Monday when we’re going to just… continue doing this, then,” was Private Ryan’s rallying cry to his troops. Inspiring.
One nearby company is apparently the only place on the planet that produces this one thing. (You may think I’m hiding the information out of concern for privacy, but I assure you that I have absolutely no idea what this thing is called or what it is used for or why they’re the only one who makes it.) What I do know is that it is heavy shit. And there is a company in Australia who needs about 6600 pounds of it.
This is where The Field gets both interesting and weird, mostly because of my own brain’s inability to fathom a certain reality. And that reality is called: Ocean freight.
We can fly the 6600 pounds to Australia. It would take approximately 5-7 days for delivery and would only cost $62,000 to whichever company is paying for it. In shocking news, neither company was super keen on the $62,000 idea. They asked us to look into ocean freight. I asked Private Ryan what the hell ocean freight is.
Somehow, I forgot about boats. It’s like the idea of those gigantic ships with the massive cartons stacked a mile high exist only in movies where people are trying to smuggle something somewhere else or “Captain Phillips” like films. Even though I know there are huge ocean liners filled with nothing but used Amazon boxes, I didn’t imagine that such ships could carry something USEFUL and that we, in The Field, could make that happen. (I am choosing to believe that my limitations in oceanic imagination are a result of being landlocked and as distant from oceans as possible. It’s not like an ocean liner is going to come up the Mississippi and pick it up from us.)
Ocean freight to Australia will take 64 days and cost around $10,000 or less. And in the disclaimer/agreement, there is a paragraph about pirates. This only served to reinforce my theatrical imagination of this process. If everything else in my life fails, maybe I’ll start transporting goods by ocean freight. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to get the hell out of here for 64 days and maybe meet Johnny Depp on the way.
Field Mask Ideas
I am currently rotating a series of Cubs and Huskies masks because they’re quite comfortable and not offensive. But after six months in The Field during a pandemic in an election year, I have some new ideas for phrases to plaster on my face for a hard day keeping silent on things I care deeply about. Anyone who wants to make them for me, I’ll pay you for your efforts in my anarchy.
I’m sorry you think I care about your opinions about COVID.
I, too, feel terrible for you, average middle class white conservative man, that athletes won’t just keep their thoughts to themselves so you can watch sports without ever having to remember they are people and they matter.
Why are you shipping seven cases of Stove Top Stuffing to Montana?
Yes, that was definitely an eye roll I just did.
The Trump 2020 button on your chest that is the size of my very large boob announces to me that you are an uncaring, non-thinking asshole and I will treat you thusly.
I will give you $1 off your shipment if you talk to me about something other than hunting, fishing, the pandemic, or masks.
Trumplings are obsessed with power which they call “freedom” even though those two words are complete opposites.
I am only intimidating if you are weak.
There is no hope.
Until then…
Colonel C
I am too busy being covered in puppies to offer a quote. My apologies.
