Field Reports, Writing

Field Report: Day 26

Sergeant K

Sorry about that. Field lost its humor there for a bit. Also had to attend the memorial service for “science in America” which is officially dead.

First thing Monday morning, we shipped this fine piece of craftsmanship.

The thing was 31 inches long. One of our boxes is 30 inches long. I said just shove it in there. From the middle. I’m sure it’ll bend.

But wait! There’s more! Can I interest you in Jesus’s fingerprint?

Supposedly this contains a quote from every book of the Bible. Which seems distracting from the “How did someone get Jesus’s fingerprint?” question here.

One civilian insisted on working with Private Ryan to pack a Tupperware container of cookies. “I know it’s going to be difficult,” they said, unironically. “So charge me whatever you need to for packaging.”

We just don’t charge that much to put cookies already in a container in another container. Maybe we should?

The opposite of this is doughnuts. Don’t ship doughnuts. The physical structure of a doughnut does not lend itself to traveling well. The physical temperature of July doesn’t lend itself to anything traveling well, really.

New city ordinance goes into effect on Friday requiring masks in all places of business. Percentage of mask wearing has decreased in the last two weeks while city continues to see new highs in numbers.

Looking forward to hearing people bemoan this small inconvenience while pointing to low death rates as a reason to spit all over each other.

Non-mask wearers who do not leave when they are asked to can be charged with trespassing. Since the Venn diagram of “people who won’t wear masks” and “people who think those seeking asylum are trespassers who should be caged” is a perfect circle, I hope the detention centers have some fresh aluminum foil to cover the new illegals.

Almost died in the front yard washing car and Two Wheel Tank during oppressive heat. Posed for “sexy” car washing pictures that will someday be used as blackmail. Already excited for it.

Typed a zip code wrong apparently and discovered there is a Bahama, North Carolina. Apparently, it was named for the three leading families of 1750: (Ba)ll, (Ha)rris, and (Ma)gnum. Its post office was called Hunkadora for no apparent reason.

You’re welcome.

Colonel C

Made beef stew over the weekend and pretended it was winter. Cuts own hair regularly now. Put on matching clothes today, including real pants. Thinking tomorrow, I might wear a mask, just to feel at one with my community. Sergeant’s new rant involves the de-funding of the Department of Commerce and Department of Labor. I miss the good ol’ days when she just bitched about Amazon. Might hide all of her books soon. An unlearned woman is the best way to celebrate America.

She can’t get too big for her britches, though. I’ve got the car wash photos.

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