Field Reports, Writing

Field Report: Day 24

Sergeant K

Stuck in the bunker at the Battle of Fort Irritation. Taking a lot of friendly and enemy fire regarding official uniform. Suppose we’ve gone to war previously for dumber reasons than masks.

Almost said to civilian “I have trouble seeing masks as a civil rights issue” but scoffed instead. Have actually practiced making different types of “Mmmm” sounds to respond to inane babble.

Even perceived tacit agreement could be misconstrued for tyranny or traitorous behavior. The “mmm” is the only possible response.

Phone call of the day!

“Yes, hi, hello, I am having trouble with my Amazon return.”
“Okay. How can I help?”
“Yes, hi, hello, good, so you can help. I have seemed to be having trouble with the Amazon. I bought this <very descriptive explanation of something we’ll call smurfs> and when I ordered <very descriptive explanation of the process of ordering said something> I thought it was going to be <certain size of smurfs> and instead it was <care bears> and I don’t need any <care bears> so now I need to return them but I cannot figure out how to do that. So I’d like to come in there to your store, The Pack and Play and use your computer to maybe set up the return except I don’t know my username or password but can you look that up there?”
“No, we can’t. Do you have Amazon on your phone?”
“No. I don’t have an iPhone.”
“Okay. Then you need to set it up on your laptop.”
“Cool. So on whatever device you ordered the <smurfs>, there will be a place to return/replace items.”
“But there isn’t.”
“There should be. And if not, just contact Amazon and they can help you.”
“How do I contact them?”
“There is a “customer service” button somewhere that will allow you to chat with them.”
“No there isn’t.”
“Okay, well, I’m not really sure what to tell you then.”
“What is Amazon’s number?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t shop on Amazon.”
“Isn’t it part of your job to know?”
“LOL.” (I actually said LOL) “It’s not, actually. But you just need to look on the website and there will be options for you.”
“If I just come down there, can you just ship it back to Amazon?”
“Amazon has, like, 23 return centers not to mention if you bought it from a third party seller, they often have their own addresses.”
“Is there someone else I can call to have them help me?”
“Yes. Amazon.”
“Do I just dial 1-800-Amazon or something?”
“Try that. It might work.”

Premiere <smurf> buyer in Winona

Five minutes and twelve seconds. Sit perfectly still for five minutes and twelve seconds. Feel the torture.

Private Ryan is also tired. He is a nicer person than I am so I can see it is difficult here in the bunker for him, too. His exhaustion manifests itself in creating his own language and losing the ability to spell.

“I just wish we knew who had it,” he said to a civilian regarding The Virus. “I wish we glew if we had it… Glew? Is it glew?” “What?” “Like what is the past tense of glow. Is it glew?” “No. It’s glowed.” “Are you sure?” “I am.” “But glew is a word, right? G-L-E-W?”

Looked it up. It is the outmoded spelling of glue. Turns out the bunker is also educational.

Civilian told us the state of JoAnn Fabrics over in Wisconsin. After they left, Private Ryan looked at me and said, “What was it like before there?”

Turns out I have a face that perfectly says, “What makes you think I’ve ever been to a fabric store?”

Last civilian of the day tried to be helpful by blacking out his return address and tracking number on label we just printed with a Sharpie.

Monday was incredibly Sisyphean.

Finished letter to pen pal. Included all pages of notebook that interrupted said letter with the other things I spend my time on complete with captions. I think it’s some of my best work. She’ll love it.

Colonel C

Depressed. Waiting to see which neighbor calls us in for not having yet mowed this year. Will claim Sergeant read an article stating to leave grass long for the bees. Actually could not see Ava in backyard due to grass cover. Maniacally laugh at the prospect of someone telling us we have to mow.

Sewing masks so Sergeant doesn’t die. Rolling dice that she will not have a heart attack due to obesity and decreased oxygen at a physical job. Mask sort of makes her look like she has a Joker smile. Seems about right for today’s climate.

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