Today’s report will be told through one conversation with one customer.
Scene: A small authorized shipping outlet, Monday afternoon, the brigade of people not understanding the internet or anything about shipping is in its second hour
SGT
What can I help you with today?
CIV
This got sent to our house today. That’s not my spouse’s real name. <points to label>
SGT
Okay. What would you like to do with this?
CIV
I want you to send it back. It’s not ours. I don’t know why it showed up to our house in the first place.
SGT
I understand. The only problem is that you opened it.
CIV
Why is that a problem?
SGT
Well, if you open it, then we can’t just write Return to Sender on it. FedEx does not typically let that happen.
CIV
But I didn’t order it. Why does opening it matter?
SGT
Because if you open it, then there is the possibility you put something else in it and are “returning” it to ship something for free. I know you’re not doing that. But FedEx doesn’t know that.
CIV
I had to see what was in it.
SGT
Didn’t you look at the return address?
CIV
<exasperated and incredulous> Are we supposed to just look at every return address on every package?
SGT
Well, typically, yes.
CIV
But we didn’t order anything. I called the police.
<synchronized head tilt by Private Ryan and SGT>
SGT
You called the police? Why?
CIV
Because we didn’t order it! We thought the police should be aware that people are just sending packages to people who didn’t order them.
SGT
I mean — that’s not illegal. What did the police tell you to do?
CIV
They told us to bring it here and you would just return to sender.
SGT
And that would have been easy if you hadn’t opened it. So I’ll tell you what we’ll do. I’ll write “Return to Sender” on the package and we’ll see if FedEx takes it back. If they bring it back to you, though, you’ll have to pay to send it back.
CIV
<offended> Why should we have to pay?
PVT RYAN
Why should FedEx have to pay for it? That’s what the problem is since you opened it.
CIV
I’m not paying a hundred dollars to send this back.
<PVT and SGT synchronized head tilt>
SGT
No one has said anything about a hundred dollars here.
CIV
Well, I’m just not. So you write on that package that I called the police.
SGT
They won’t care, though, see. Because nothing about this is illegal. Are you sure your spouse didn’t order it? Have you been charged for it?
CIV
Of course my spouse didn’t order it! That’s not their real name on the package. I told you that already. And no. We haven’t been charged for it. And I’m not paying a hundred dollars to ship it.
SGT
I understand that. So I’m going to write “Return to Sender” on it. And if it comes back to you, then we’ll have to do something different.
CIV
I’ll just call the police again.
SGT
I really don’t think you should do that. This isn’t in their purview.
CIV
Just make sure to write that on the package. Then they won’t bring it back.
<SGT writes “Return to Sender: Called police” on package>
<SGT hopes FedEx employees enjoy this message>
SGT
Okay, I think we’re good. If it comes back to you, bring it back in.
CIV
Do I owe you anything?
<SGT literally hurts from not saying “A hundred dollars”
SGT
No. You’re good. Thank you.
CIV
I will call the police again if that comes back.
<CIV exits door front>
<Scene>
