Field Reports, Writing

Field Report: Day 22

Sergeant K

“Yesterday was slow,” they always say. “Then you show up.”

The Amazon returns are back. Returned to reading Art of War. Must find a strategy for obtaining underground access to QR code scanner. After the 83rd customer who scowled and told us they’d done it at our store before, created a dark web for authorized shipping outlet employees to form cohesive strategy for Amazon’s demise.

Did have a customer follow all of the Amazon return instructions I wrote up online. Said it was easy peasy. Feel completely validated by my fine work on that.

Need training on how to handle when one customer lays into another customer for a fight they had a long time ago. What is the proper protocol for interrupting them airing their grievances to ask them whether a letter is an “O” or an “A” in the 14-letter last name they wrote in sloppy cursive? Does one just say, “I apologize for interrupting this walk down Memory of You Letting Me Down Lane, but are you hoping your package arrives to a Mr. Kowaljzenpskie or a Mr. Kowoljzanpskie?”

Customer brought in a package and asked if we could look up who it was from. “I’m afraid it’s the coin company. Is it the coin company? I don’t want to open it if it’s from the coin company. Those people are nasty.” [Googled address] “It is from the coin company,” I told them. Customer backed away from the package like it was a bomb. Told them we’d take care of it.

After they left, young Private First Class turned to me and said, “What’s a coin company?” Ah the innocence of youth.

News of the day was that Trump’s valet in Washington has the mythical government and/or Bill Gates produced virus. Found out when customer said, out of absolutely nowhere, “His valet has the virus. Hope that motherf***** gets quarantined for 20 years.”

It’s not like I had to ask who the motherf***** was in that story.

Been listening to more classic rock lately. “We Are The Champions” is officially the least appropriate song to be playing loudly with a line to the door. Champions of what? Postage?

A bumblebee got in the store near the end of the day. Private First Class and I agreed to tell Private Ryan it was a Murder Hornet.

Huckleberry Row Jackrabbits are 76-22. The Hanwha Eagles are 2-1. I’m 3 for 3 on betting on Korean baseball games. I don’t know whether to be proud of any of these things.

Reading Why We Swim by Bonnie Tsui. Easily my favorite nonfiction book in awhile.

Have begun taking baths at night as though I am a princess in the most screwed up fairytale ever told. And have you read some of those? They’re righteously scary.

Colonel C

Still having neighborhood dirt sharing parties. Decided we are flipping our living room and dining room back to original places. Beginning to think she owns whatcanImakemywifeliftnext dot com.

Finally cut hair. Line between bleached blond and regular hair color is almost a perfect bowl. Loving the new look. Very 90s lesbian.

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