Field Reports

Field Report: Day 19

Sergeant K

Rode two-wheel tank to the field. Stopped at Wal-Mart and Target to look for new case for new phone. No success. Took a chemical shower immediately.

Arrived to field. Found a playlist called “Drink Water to This” and realized I’d never looked for a soundtrack to H2O consumption. Did not play it. Instead played one called “Driving Music” which was a combination of pop, house, and the soundtrack for a PG-13 “erotic” movie.

Customer came in with a “very important dropoff” and wanted to make sure the label covered the price of shipping. Cannot look this information up; told them to trust whoever sent the label to cover that. Looked at me like I’d begun speaking Portuguese.

Scanned in item. Said it looked good. Relieved, they politely asked, “Can I tape that up for you young lady? I’d like to make sure it is done well.” After looking around for a young lady, realized they were questioning my tape skills. Felt like Tom Cruise in Cocktail and practically tossed the tape gun fancifully in the air before taping their box. “That is quite a talent, young lady.”

“I did a long apprenticeship,” I told them.

Private First Class brought us chocolate/butterscotch bars. Private Ryan asked if there was cheese in them. Thankfully, there was not. Sent Private Ryan off to do aquatic hunting in case tasting cheese in chocolate is a sign of a stroke.

Customer called wanting to donate an electronic doorbell to us so it could cut down on the number of people having to come in the store. Was quite insistent about this. The over/under for how long I would last should an electronic doorbell be added to the shop is 0.5 hours.

Private Ryan asked us if we wanted to wear masks because customers are telling him it’s the law and “all the big chain stores are requiring it.” Said to pay attention if other people said things. Reassured him we would tell hypothetical customers that we have asked him repeatedly to allow us to wear masks and he demands we don’t.

Besides, a woman online commented on a COVID post, “We should all go back to work. Nobody has gotten sick from working. Look it up.” I’m sure she’s right.

Yesterday, Private Ryan excitedly offered a customer a sandwich for dealing with a delay in their shipment.

Private Ryan needed a rest so I granted him leave.

About 1 o’clock, Cogsworth showed up. Promptly got “Be Our Guest” stuck in my head. But seriously. Look at this thing.

Watched Seabiscuit and am preparing to watch Secretariat next. Am excited for VUDU to start to offer me only horse movies. It is exhausting to try to keep on top of all the streaming algorithms, isn’t it?

Colonel C

General Bruce drove over for a visit and to help move mulch and put up more garden walls. Loves working with the General. Got so much accomplished. General’s assistant moved mulch around the house as well.

But that dirt? That dirt has “Sergeant” written all over it.

Lack of martinis apparently is the omen for serious manual labor. Have put in request for neighboring battalion to bring over more olives.

So much dirt.

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