Field Reports, Writing

Field Report: Day 16

Sergeant K

Local company dropped off a couple hundred flat envelopes for us to address. Was able to notice when one weighed “more” so put it on the scale. Was 1.5 ounces instead of 1.4 ounces. Super proud of this talent.

Postal carrier shoved mail bin into a $900 lamp shade. That was a fun moment, wondering if they broke it. No one needs that kind of stress.

Private Ryan helped a customer. “Do you need insurance?” he asked as we always do. “Well, there is $30 worth of bull penises in that box,” the customer responded.

It reminded me of that old adage that if you wanted to get students in a high school/college classroom to pay attention, just walk in the room and yell, “Sex!” Same effect in the field.

“They’re dehydrated,” customer continued, as though that did not lead to 800 more questions. “For dogs,” they finally finished. Made more sense. Still $30 of bull penises.

Some people mistake us for an eBay assistance hotline. Private Ryan has never bought anything on Amazon. I’ve never sold anything on eBay. We are amazingly unhelpful in this regard.

Then a unicorn walked down the street. Private First Class said it as though remarking on the weather. “There’s a unicorn walking down the street.” Somehow, it was fitting for the state of the world.

Played virtual trivia with Outpost Commander Jen and Brigadier General Brant. Told bull penises story. Outpost Commander claimed bull penises were an herbal supplement. Colonel C remarked that bulls were not herbs. Laughter ensued. New team name coined.

Huckleberry Row Jackrabbits are 70-34. At one point today, considered designing a hat for my virtual team in my pretend very complicated baseball card collection and simulation game. A hat. For my virtual team.

Delivered 18 sandwiches to the hospital for the Facilities workers. I don’t think that will get old anytime soon. Donate if you’d like. I added a PayPal button to a blog using HTML code and basically felt like an I.T. god. Even though I couldn’t get it to center. Shut up.

Colonel C

Sergeant smelled good today. She told me it’s because she showered. I said she smelled fresh, like the out doors. She told me it’s because she goes outdoors. Feel like she’s sending me a message.

I wrote a haiku!

I was so hungry
So got wings and onion rings.
Who needs showering?

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