Field Reports

Field Report: Day 15

Sergeant K

Unintentional field experiments continue in this time of pandemic. Today’s ended up being “Do you have a soul?” which is a very dark experiment to unintentionally run.

Have discussed with Private Ryan the limitations on my ability to remain neutral silent regarding the topic of having a soul in this particular environment. “It will run out,” I warned. “I’m surprised it already hasn’t,” he responded.

Customer in “Trump 2020” hat came in. Shipped a homemade mixed CD and god knows what else to internet girlfriend in China. Would like individual medals for each of the following things I did not say:

  • “Keep America Great Again, huh? You think this is great? Which part is great?”
  • “Are you charging your girlfriend a tariff for this mixed CD?”
  • “Your people are blaming China for all of this. Do they all know about your internet girlfriend, you traitorous American?”
  • “I’m sorry but I can’t listen to any more of your concern about how serious all of this is and how we were so unprepared because I will bet my entire house and my dogs’ lives that you promoted it as a hoax when it first started.”
  • “What happened? Your tape deck broke down?”
  • “Why do you think painter’s tape — tape designed to specifically peel off easily — is the best way to ship packages across the world?”
  • “Just fuck right off with your hypocrisy. Go home and check your chat room and Ask Jeeves when your AOL email will be restored.”

Again: Evidence of why I have Wednesdays off.

Winner today was customer who said, “Enough with this already. Can we just fucking thin the herd and get back to normal?” Private Ryan was assisting said customer. He did not even politely smile uncomfortably. “I know I’m going straight to hell for saying that, probably, but come on.”

I didn’t hear them specifically say it. Just heard the words “herd” and “hell.” Assumed they were discussing cows. And Revelations. [Would not be an unusual conversation combination in the field, to be honest.]

As Private Ryan and I processed this interaction, I told him to prepare whatever sanction he would institute for me when I ask the next person (and there will be a next) who says some version of this, “Thin the herd? Okay. We’ll take you and your family first. Sound good? Want to offer up your 7-year-old? Got any siblings we can take down? How about their families? All good? Why can you not find empathy for people you don’t know? Has that been a lifelong problem for you or a coronavirus-developed issue? This is not about thinning. the. fucking. herd. This moral question is too complicated for you so perhaps you should just stop thinking about it.”

In other news….

Private Ryan jumped in to take a customer. “You’re busy,” he said.

“No I’m not. I’m yelling on Facebook about the Post Office,” I replied.

“Well, that’s important, too.”

Second night in a row customer arrived late and stayed late. Only thought was, “Why are they delaying me from checking my Virtual Baseball Card Collection Game Simulations? It’s frustrating.” Might need just a wee bit o’help.

Colonel C


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