Field Reports

Field Report: Day 12

Sergeant K

People seem to be using their one outing a day/week to come ship things. Sent more things to Milwaukee today than the city had polling places open. Apparently, democracy caught coronavirus there.

Outpost Commander J voted in Wisconsin. Did not wear haz mat suit. Will send medal of honor tomorrow.

By end of day, Private Ryan looked haggard. Reasonable given day’s events.

Table full of new packages by my arrival midday. Car parts galore. Dirtiest thing on table worth $100. Bright shiny polished thing worth $10. Can’t judge a car part by its cover, apparently.

Teachers shipping students new workbooks, 25 at a time. Must type each address individually. Does not hurry things along.

Called in Private First Class on her day off after receiving phone call that the next round of auction items would arrive later in the afternoon. Needed to give Private Ryan space to figure out the dozen items that weren’t packed yet. Including the largest fold up camera ever made with a sheer pane of glass in the middle.

Got packing table cleared off. Auction Man arrived. Auction Man has an incredibly loud voice and does not believe in breathing between sentences. Line of people shipping in store did not diminish. Had to turn on ceiling fans to deal with increased heat, 80% of which was stress between Private Ryan and myself.

Auction Man’s truck would not start. Somehow, this became Private Ryan’s fault. Auction Man expected Private Ryan to loan him his truck to obtain a new battery. Mrs. Private Ryan desperately needed him home to help with childcare/full time work duties. Left field unsure of Private Ryan’s health status.

Table completely full. Side room full. Back room full. Moving about jeopardizes the oldest shit I’ve ever seen. Now feel like trapeze artists carrying huge weights on tightrope.

Pandemic continues. As does Shipping Second Christmas apparently.

Returned home. Checked pretend baseball team. Thought about MLB’s plan for “Bubble Baseball” in Arizona. Am completely willing to sacrifice’s players’ happiness for baseball. Self-flagellated in the form of shaving my legs for first time since January for selfishness. We live in weird times.

Colonel C

Ate a salad for lunch. Risky move given chili last night. Obsessed with “Ozark.” Considering nominating martinis to be the new National Drink. Complained I have shit everywhere in house. Made me wash chili ladle for her. Patiently waiting for me to finish field report so we can continue watching show. Cut own bangs.

Donate to Zero Sum Sandwiches campaign here.

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