Field Reports

Field Report: Day 6

March 24, 2020

Sergeant K

Two cases confirmed in city. Feel like I’m in “Twister” wanting to yell “It’s already here!” when people tell me about it.

Kwik Trip across street under major construction. Consistent jackhammering reinforces my belief of impending failure as a POW if noise torture were used.

Got asked quite frequently what Kwik Trip was up to. Said nothing. Listened to customers hypothesize. Said nothing. Got asked if I know for sure. “No.” Will make sure to call Kwik Trip headquarters for frequent updates for concerned citizens.

Have shipped many, many tools for teachers to begin distance instruction. Considered what kind of at-home student I would have been in my younger years. Convinced my GPA would have been decimated by Madame General’s standards.

Customer called ahead to determine if we were open and if she is allowed to come into the store. When she arrived, she told me a story about going on a walk and seeing a chalk message that said “We’re all in this together.” Said that felt reassuring.

Agreed but didn’t feel quite as reassured. There are some I’d rather not be stuck with.

Today in Essentialism

Found out an annual auction for which we ship many things will be entirely online this year. Which means we ship all the things. All 431 things. Which means everyone wants quotes for the items they’re interested in. Feel free to guess shipping prices on the following:

1830s Solid Walnut American Classical Plantation Secretary
Four Post Canopy Bed
Rare 19th Century Scandinavian Immigrant Corner Piece (8 feet tall)
Brass 12 Arm Gas and Electric Chandelier w/12 matching carnival shades
May I interest you in a 9-foot tall mirror complete with 1880s glass?
Or, y’know, a freaking pool table

Got to give quotes for domestic and international shipping. So much glass. Glass breaks, you guys. Glass can break real easy on its way to Tokyo.

Another customer brought in five journals that must be photocopied one page at a time. About 900 pages in sum. Private Ryan delegated this to me. Must reconsider our ranks.

Had to schedule appt at local hospital for non-contagious (but extremely important) purposes. Impressed immensely by the entire process and everyone in it. Would love to send gift to specific department; decided to donate blood instead.

Will decide best day to lose consciousness soon. Some days more appealing than others, depending on customer interaction.

Off to call Kwik Trip headquarters. Otherwise will continue answering the “What is happening” question with “Jackhammering.” Sleep is necessary.

Colonel C

Had to put cone on Specialist Magursky to prevent licking of penis. Spc Magursky will only walk backwards when cone is on. Colonel lives a glamorous life when I am in the field. Hair continues to grow.

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