Field Reports

Field Report: Day 4

Sergeant K

Conferred with Generals from headquarters in Iowa. Advised they continue solitary confinement. Madam General capitulated but only upon agreement of more frequent communication.

Held counsel with public. Everybody has a theory of why everything we think is wrong. Continuously amazed at people finding reasons to not wash hands. This is the most frequent complaint. Need a hand-washing Guantanamo. Maybe skip torture. Maybe call Nicholson to see if he’ll guard walls again.

Today’s big topic was looting. Preparing for civil unrest. When asked why, customer explained that “Everyone’s being let out of jail. The rapists and murderers will be out. And they’re going to need food.” Another said, “It’s just like Katrina.” Another heard that no more speeding tickets were being issued.

All agreed washing hands is government intruding on our civil liberties.

Displayed sign inviting customers with illnesses to leave boxes (nee Amazon returns) on the outside table. Thought this good for physical health. Soon realized unintentional benefit includes fewer people to talk to. Afraid stories will dwindle. Remembered those with the best conspiracies will always make time to share. Relieved.

Private Ryan and I narrowly avoided a high five. We high five a lot. Hands in the air. At last second, yelled “No” at each other. Practically dove onto the floor to ensure we did not connect.

Laughed at ourselves. Then promptly shared a bag of gummi worms.

Used drill successfully for Base project. Added to resume immediately.

Dog expectation is now lap time 24/7. Cannot argue. Hardy affection is helpful.

Colonel C

Helped complete Base project. Turned on “Misery” before bed. Enjoys sleeping with thrillers on. Might be psychopath. Remains to be seen.

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