Someone Sent Me Conservative Memes!

No one ever lets me see conservative memes.

I don’t last long as a Facebook friend for people who love conservative memes because I always engage in a conversation with them about said meme and then I tend to get blocked or unfriended (because that’s what passes for discourse/solutions in 2018).

The worst part is that I usually make it AT LEAST four or five comments back and forth before I turn into a snarky asshole, so I feel like I have given the meme its due. There’s no reason to disengage with me unless you are insecure or inarticulate about your beliefs and don’t like hearing contrary opinions… Wait. What?

Anyway, a friend of mine sent me a whole bunch of conservative memes as a late birthday present or something, so I’m going to help all of you deal with these if they appear on your timeline or Twitter feed or Easter dinner. Together we can do this! We can Make Memes Great Again! (Just kidding – we can’t. Political memes were created in the 8th circle of hell.) Ready?


When the least empathetic people on Earth complain about a lack of empathy, you know you’re into something special…

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Remember when Safe Spaces were a big deal and there were a bunch of memes talking about kids being “too sensitive” and (my favorite argument) “Everybody gets picked on so suck it up” type of sentiment? I would venture to bet that the person who created this and the people who shared it have all called these younger generations “Snowflakes” at some point. It is adorable that they are now leading the anti-bullying charge.

This meme combines two of the best examples of idiocy that conservatives have to offer: False solution and blame the victim. There is zero evidence that bullying and school shootings have anything in common. Do you know why there is zero evidence? BECAUSE REPUBLICANS WILL NOT ALLOW THE CDC TO STUDY GUN VIOLENCE. I personally think that if students were banned from wearing the color green that there would be no more school shootings. MY SOLUTION IS JUST AS LOGICAL AS THIS ONE.

The audacity of the “We’re sick of political correctness” crowd to call for people to be nice to others is actually beyond hypocritical. And I would hate it even more if the underlying theme of this set wasn’t that it is somehow the students’ fault that they are getting shot. At school. “Look, super sorry about all that trauma but, y’know, why did you bring it on yourselves?”

I know that people are initially inclined to blame the victim because, psychologically, they want to believe that the victim did something that brought it on themselves which thereby makes said people feel “safer” and “stronger” and “better” than the victim. “Something like this won’t happen to me because they did/didn’t do ________ so whew. I’m okay.” Conservatives do this with everything. Their mantra is basically “you get what you deserve” which doubles as the philosophy behind capitalism. It’s not hard to understand.

But when we’re talking about victims of school shootings, we’re mostly talking about kids (and teachers but conservatives love teachers and always fund education heartily so that’s not a problem). If you are willing to look at kids and say, “Hey. This is your fault,” then I don’t know how you function in a big scary society like ours.

More than anything, though, I beg of this meme sharer to go find a 6-year-old and tell them, “If you get shot at school, it will be because you weren’t nice enough.” That’s a first grader — same age as the ones who were shot at Newtown. Go ahead. I’ll wait.


When you forget that voter suppression is supposed to be an unspoken thing your people want…

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Something fishy indeed! Look, I’m 20 years out of high school so my memory may be a bit skewed, but I am almost entirely positive I got my driver’s license at 16. And I am sure I had a part time job that paid all of $4.50 an hour (1997, kids) so I had some “spending money” that I may or may not have spent almost entirely on non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiris and egg rolls with my friends at the local Chinese restaurant. BUT I am positive of a few things:

  1. If these kids’ parents are anything like my parents (and the parents of every friend I had), they would have ponied up $100 to have us take my parents’ minivan to an event that demonstrated dedication to the democratic process and something we believed in.
  2. I spent more than one night sleeping in a vehicle with my friends so I could attend a major event. Not everyone is as soft and needy as whoever made this meme that needs a “hotel room” to participate in advocating for their beliefs.
  3. Do you think these kids dined somewhere expensive? Like they were like, “Let’s protest for our rights and demonstrate we are infinitely smarter than our age and then go to a five star restaurant and drink pink lemonade”? Bitch please. They brought sandwiches from home AT MOST and more likely ate from a convenience store. I can take a very long trip and eat for less than $30 total. Get serious.
  4. Also I flew to Washington, D.C., when I was a senior in high school and I’m not pulling the conservative “It’s cold where I am so global warming isn’t real” type of proof. I’m just saying it’s possible.
  5. The “voter registrations” is easily the best part of this meme. The idea that these kids will be 18 by November and voting is legitimately the scariest thing about this for conservatives, but this meme indicates that ALLOWING THEM TO REGISTER TO VOTE is somehow a deep governmental conspiracy as opposed to, like, how birthdays work.

Preying on people to question whether or not high schoolers can drive AND questioning if these particular kids who are able to speak in front of 100,000 people couldn’t get creative and go to Washington, D.C., on a budget is adorable.

Also, just for reference, if Emma Gonzalez tweets, “Hey, I need $2000 to go to Washington, D.C.,” she would have $2000 in less than five minutes. That’s just reality. Super sorry it makes you sad.


How to be nonsensical when your party controls the presidency and both chambers of Congress and sets the educational policies…

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I know, I know. This is like screaming at clouds. But the children were not protesting an adult’s right to own a firearm. Also they can legally own one. THAT IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE POINTS THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE. Perhaps a 17-year-old shouldn’t be able to walk into Dick’s Sporting Goods and purchase a firearm or twelve.

But of course that point is thoroughly missed by the people who believe that they and their guns could somehow stop the government from killing them. (Hello. The government has drones. And bombs. They’re not going to challenge you to a duel. I promise.) (Okay, maybe Trump might challenge someone to a duel but he would probably just mean golf so still. The guns ain’t gonna help.)

I know that in your perfect scenario of school that everyone would learn that dinosaurs weren’t real, Jesus can prevent liberalism, and the world is just getting warmer because God is hugging Earth a little bit tighter. I get it. It’s only indoctrination when people are learning or believing things you don’t like.

You are forgetting this one very itty bitty tiny little thing: THESE KIDS SURVIVED A SHOOTING HAVING NOT BEEN TRAINED IN ANY WAY. It’s sort of like how if someone you love gets some super rare disease and suddenly, the only thing you can think about is how everyone should pay more attention and research and try to cure this disease because it is affecting you so deeply. Disease = WATCHING YOUR FRIENDS DIE DURING STUDY HALL.

They didn’t need to be “trained.” But if we’re going to take that absurd argument, consider this: By doing nothing… by railing against changing ANYTHING… you (yes you) are basically training them that it is on only them to care and to fight for what they believe in and to fight “the disease” that has touched them so deeply. Your apathy about their plight is all it is going to require. So kudos. This one is technically on you.


OH MY GOD KIDS MAY HAVE SKIPPED CLASS!

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This holds another of my favorite conservative tricks: Language designed to make you feel like two ideas are mutually exclusive. I literally spoke to a 17-year-old on Saturday who said (in as many words) that “I walked out with my class because I support what they stand for but I also fully support the Second Amendment.”

I know you want the world to be dichotomous. I know that it makes things so much easier when it’s either/or. I know the idea that I can spray paint this blog with the words “I support the Second Amendment” will ring super false to you because you will be unable to look past everything I write and see anything other than “She hates guns.” I get it. And that is where this is always going to fall apart.

They are not mutually exclusive.

Also the kids didn’t “skip class.” They walked out for 17 minutes. It’s nice of you to suddenly care about school attendance (particularly since you also think they are simply being “trained” instead of educated) but they didn’t miss much. I promise.


I have a dream. And in that dream, someday, everyone will understand what fascism actually is…

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An American play in four acts:

Act One: A liberal and a conservative walk into a bar, each carrying a case of poker chips. They sit down at a table. One by one they begin flipping their chips onto the surface as they call out something the other side does that they believe promotes a “police state” or “fascism.”

Act Two: Both sides run out of chips, tell the other person that a president from their party reminds them of Hitler, and then they leave.

Act Three: Then 82 political memes appear. Everyone gets worked up beyond all semblance of control. Everyone stops talking.

Act Four: School shootings keep happening. Kids keep dying. Adults do nothing.

Fin.


Damn these children and their super immature childish behaviors like peacefully protesting and giving eloquent speeches about their beliefs. Why can’t they just be adults?

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First off, the cupcakes in this meme kill me. Nice job on the clipart!

Anyway, I am unsure of how one “becomes” an adult. Is there a specific action that conservatives think denotes adulthood? Can we get a committee together to settle this decision so we can all agree on it? Is it when the brain stops pruning? Is it when a person stops laughing at fart jokes? Is it when someone starts and then subsequently stops smoking cigarettes? Does someone HAVE TO shoot a gun responsibly to be an adult?

This meme just leads to too many questions. I can talk myself out of actually having become an adult really quickly. I don’t like how that feels. Let’s just move on.


Well, this one is easy.

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White males didn’t feel as threatened 20 years ago.

Next.


And, finally, let’s speak briefly about our rights…

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God, people who only pay attention to the Second Amendment are exhausting, aren’t they? The paradox in this meme is fantastic. “To march for your rights to be taken away” once again completely ignores the First Amendment. The march IS a right, see. They’re allowed to do that for any damn thing they please.

And (yells at clouds) no.one.wants.to.take.your.guns.away. And to preempt your other argument: Yes. Other amendments require a number of steps in order to exercise your right. I know it’s super hard to look past #2, but check out #26 sometime. And if you pull the “Bill of Rights” card, then please oh please oh please change your (assumed) stance on abortion as quickly as possible due to #9.

You’re all or nothing thinkers. Choose wisely.


People love being indignantly angry and paranoid. It gives their life purpose in a way that very few other raw emotions can provide. It is a hallmark of being American, really. We love to be angry. We love to fight. We think everyone should suffer because it is a rite of passage.

What I will never understand is why people feel the need to attack kids who have experienced school shootings. Are you so threatened by the message and the messenger that you feel the need to do this? Have you ever questioned WHY you feel so threatened? What do these kids represent to you?

In any case, go ahead. Keep making memes. Please keep trying to fight these kids on social media. You are on their turf. They have mastered this playground. And then they turned around and took it into “real life” surrounded by reality and other humans and destroyed the idea that they don’t know how to connect to others. All that random bullshit you have created for them became a convenient “other” which only creates a stronger “us.”

My god if you think these younger generations are scary now, give them time. You’ve already given them the experience. They don’t have to “go to war” to get seasoned and educated; you brought the war to them and let the war into school after school after school. By refusing to allow anything of substance and value to happen, you have unwittingly created an army that has an 18-year-old commander-in-chief.

And they are going to win. You know it.

That’s why you feel so threatened (in case you’ve never asked yourself).

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