Dear Jelly Beans,
Some call it Easter. I call it Jelly Bean Awareness Month. I have devoted an entire month to your goodness, JB. And here are all the reasons why.
1. You are a metaphor for the best of humankind.
Each one of you is filled to the brim with sugary, gummi goodness (which I just attempted to spell “gudness” which I think means my infatuation with you has grown beyond measure). There is a harder outer coating, just like lots of mean people in the world who aren’t filled with sugar. But some people are. Some people have that little outer coating to prevent everyone from seeing their sweetness and you may not be able to tell what flavor they are, but it’s worth it to find out. Unless you’re a Jelly Belly that tastes like popcorn. They are simply a metaphor for evil.
2. I am gay.
When I was a sophomore in high school, prior to learning about my own gayness, my best friends got me one of the greatest gifts in human history. They took an empty ice cream pail and filled it TO THE BRIM with you, JB, and Mike and Ikes which are kind of like your long lost cousin twice removed. (Uneducated people might declare you siblings but they are not connoisseurs and should not be listened to.) Anyway, my friends unwittingly gave me an entire bucket of rainbow gay candy. Much like my mother decorating my childhood bedroom in all rainbows, it was as though everyone was attempting to force me into this lifestyle since birth which will be my very strongly-worded defense should I ever have the opportunity to sit down with the prick running Indiana. (I’m not sure where we would meet, though, since I won’t spend a dime in Indiana and since he probably only frequents establishments that won’t let me in anyway.) The point is that you, JB, are the most gay friendly of all the candy and for that, I thank you.
3. Sugar makes my brain feel fuzzy in that good way.
We had our friends, The Cucumbers, over last week. (This is probably good to know – if you are a couple and we hang out with you, then you have a nickname. Carrie and I are simply too lazy to say ____ and ____. We much prefer to destroy your individuality on behalf of our syllabic needs.) Anyway, The Cucumbers are vegetarians and good, healthy people (Cadbury creme eggs notwithstanding) but they are not the kind that make us feel bad for being carnivores, which we appreciate. I explained to them, though, that we will listen to their antimeatability without concern but they can never go after my love of unadulterated sugar. There are two things that keep me the fun, upbeat, award winning personality human that I am: Sugar and electronic dance music. Don’t crush the Kelly. Love the Kelly.
4. You provide endless opportunities for throwing humor.
In the picture, you will see the Jelly Bean Rationing Cup filled with jelly beans. You may feel that that cup still allows for an ungodly amount of jelly beans, but please trust me, it rations me in a way I am incapable of doing on my own. (God grant me the serenity…) So the other night, Carrie was sitting next to the bag of jelly beans and I asked if she’d fill up my rations for the day. She said sure and looked at me to toss the cup. Now, it’s tupperware and feels super light so I thought I might have to give it a bit of oomph to get it across the room. I picked it up in my left hand and went to gently toss it to my wife.
Instead, the damn thing rocketed across the room like it was on a zipline. Ask my softball teammates and they will tell you I play first base to limit my throwing needs. Perhaps I’ve just always been throwing with the wrong hand. Without a hint of an arc, my jelly bean cup smacked Carrie right in the temple. At that exact moment, the commercial about stopping domestic violence came on TV and she rubbed her head and pointed at the television. “No more!” she yelled. She then threatened to fill up the cup and throw it back with the same force. She did not. She likes a clean house more than I do.
5. You come in so many varieties so no boredom.
Which is great because I get bored with things and then feel like I have to spice it up somehow, like seeing how many beans I can catch in my mouth at once (zero) and adding odd combinations (cotton candy flavored ice cream). But instead, there are so many different brands of you, JB, that I can be consistently surprised and indulgent and those are two of my favorite emotions.
The truth is, JB, our relationship feels like a great marriage between perfect partners who understand each other’s intricacies, strengths, and weaknesses. We make each other better, JB. Forever and always.
P.S. I realized just now that I staged that photo of the jelly bean rationing cup better than 98% of the photos I take with my phone. I even worked to get good lighting so that there was absolutely no question that it was a jelly bean rationing cup, as though everyone knows this as a common thing. I practically manicured my hand for that photo. My god.