Why I Don’t Shave My Legs Before A Massage

There is a lot of wisdom to be had in the world.  You’re just probably not going to find any of it here.

I turn 35 tomorrow and I freaking love my birthday so this excites me.  I have small plans with a number of friends to celebrate and I thought I’d take this opportunity to describe 35 things that I know about life at this point.  Why am I choosing to make a numbered list?  Because numbered lists are fun.  You know exactly how much work you’ll have to put into reading it and there’s a guaranteed stopping point.  Maybe I like making numbered lists because I loved playing Number Munchers on the computer when I was in elementary school and I was good at it, and we usually love what we’re good at.  Unless you are really good at folding laundry and putting it away so your wife always makes you do it even though…


  1. An incredibly inordinate amount of time is spent wishing I didn’t have to do something I know I have to do.  So now, I just get it done as quickly as possible.  (Editor’s note: This does not apply to grocery shopping. I will eat a granola bar and green beans for lunch rather than go to the grocery store.)
  2. One of life’s great pleasures is when you’re driving and the song’s beat on the radio perfectly matches up to a person walking or jogging on the sidewalk or the flashing light of an intersection. Cherish those moments.
  3. People say a child’s laugh is magical and wonderful.  I say everyone’s laugh is magical and wonderful because it’s a laugh.  We don’t have to stop enjoying other people’s laughter just because they’ve graduated high school.
  4.  I am physically incapable of resisting the urge to give people the double thumbs up sign.  This is why I don’t travel to foreign countries on the off chance that thumbs up means “I wish to bake your grandmother a pie” because let’s get serious – I just could not follow through on that promise.
  5. I have three or four friends I routinely chat with online and I find this to be a perfectly acceptable way to build strong, healthy relationships.  They have all offered to kick someone’s ass in real life if necessary and we all know that is the measure of a person’s love.
  6. A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream Carrie punched me in the kidney so hard I actually passed out.  In the dream.  When I woke up, my back hurt and it freaked me out.  We sleep with the TV remote in the center of the bed so if one of us can’t sleep, we don’t have to freak the other one out by quietly going to the other side of the room and sneaking it off the other person’s nightstand.  “Maybe the remote punched you in the kidney,” Carrie offered sleepily.  Damn vengeful remotes.
  7. “Life is too long,” Carrie declared once when we were driving.  “Maybe, instead, this drive is too long,” I offered.  “Maybe I need to change jobs,” she said, and just like that, a life decision was made.
  8. Which means that life decisions don’t have to take a long time to make.
  9. Really, lots of decisions don’t have to take a long time to make.  You know what you want so waiting seems silly, doesn’t it? Stop being so damn afraid.  Or picky.  Just order your stupid coffee already.
  10. I feel like I will never ever care about my ability to retire so all that money I’m saving for retirement seems like a whole lot of fun I’m not having.
  11. Sports are the only inherent drama left on TV.  Everything else is scripted.
  12. I laid in a hospital room for hours in October staring at the ceiling thinking, “I don’t know how to get better.”  It was the worst thought I have ever had and I now live my life every day to never have it again.
  13. So much brain power is used to memorize passwords now that I forgot the name of my second grade teacher a couple of weeks ago.  Then I remembered it.  Then I couldn’t log in to Pandora anymore.
  14. My massage therapist doesn’t care whether or not I shave my legs so why in the hell should I?
  15. Speaking of, my massage therapist and I laugh regularly during my appointments.  Not everything has to be like it is in the movies.
  16. Love is a silly fickle funny little thing and I encourage everyone to fall into it as often as they would like without fear of it ending.  You cannot just sit around and wait for things to end.  What a silly way to go through life.
  17. Life is much better when you have great speakers to listen to music with.
  18. I will choose to no longer make myself miserable in pursuit of a paycheck.
  19. Red wine is better than white wine.  White wine is better than moscato because moscato is to wine what Fifty Shades of Grey is to literature.
  20. In the summer, though, cheap beer in small town bars tastes the best.
  21. One of my goals in life is to like elite things without ever coming across as an elitist.
  22. People make themselves happy in a whole lot of ways.  It is not your job to determine whether these ways are acceptable to you.
  23. My life motto is “Start as you mean to go on” meaning that you can always choose to start doing something anytime and continue it anytime.  You are never locked into how you are at any given moment.
  24. Ordering business cards is one of life’s little pleasures.
  25. I wish being a good conversationalist was a goal for everyone.  I don’t feel like it’s hard to achieve.  Everyone has a story you should want to hear and a story you should want to tell.  And if you don’t, find one.  You won’t find it on Twitter during dinner with friends so stop looking there.
  26. It’s okay to take a break when I need one and this doesn’t inherently change who I am or mean I am no longer capable of doing the things I want to do.  It means I need a break.
  27. My favorite Pandora radio station is Goldfish radio.  I have a music degree and enjoy BPM music.  It doesn’t matter whether things make sense.
  28. The longest running argument Carrie and I have had is over my paid Spotify account.  For her birthday, I canceled it.  I am now miserable and hate it.  How can someone I’ve been married to for 11 years JUST NOT KNOW ME?!?! /insert dramatic flair
  29. Since I got my Fitbit, I have stopped wearing a watch.  I was always late before, but now I feel like I have given up even the illusion of trying to be on time.
  30. Carrie wants to go into a home design store and buy them entirely out of the “Laugh” decorations from the “Live Love Laugh” bins.  Then we will hang them all over our house.
  31. Our home will never be part of a Christmas tour though you can bet your bottom dollar that it would be spectacular if it ever was.
  32. If the same people who fucked with me while I was 34 think they’re going to continue when I’m 35, they are nothing but a horse’s ass and I can even prove it this year.
  33. I had a client this week tell me “Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by everything I don’t know and then I worry I’ll never have enough time to learn it.”  I have the same fear.  But it’s a worthy pursuit all the same.
  34. There is no point, but that doesn’t have to be the focus.
  35. My favorite ages have been 8, 12, 16, 18, 21, 23, 27, 30, and 32.  My least favorite ages have been 19 and 34.  These are facts so forgive me for being totally excited to turn 35.  Also: 35 is a lot of things.  I hope I don’t make this an annual tradition.  Sheesh.

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