Hello, My Name is Kelly and I Will Be Talking About Spaceships Today

I’m going to be frankly honest: In 45 minutes, I will be giving a presentation to the parents of transfer students and I have no idea what the presentation is supposed to entail or what, exactly, parents are going to wish to learn.  I also have a sneaking suspicion that I do not actually KNOW anything that they are going to ask.  There is a prevailing sense around these parts that just because I went to this university for a total of 8 years, I somehow know where everything is.  (This is similar to when they assumed I knew how academic probation worked.  I was never on academic probation.  That’s why they let me stay here for 8 years.)

At least I remembered that I was going to be doing this presentation so that I could attempt to look like something other than a therapist specializing in homelessness who finds the best way to connect with that population is to dress like them.  “Remind me to not look stupid,” was exactly the phrase I said to Dragon.  Because if it wasn’t for this super special presentation about nothing, then I really wouldn’t care.

There is no way to prepare for a presentation that you don’t understand and are doing because you are a lackey who doesn’t really have the power to say no when a higher up says, “Do this.”  I have a sheet of paper with 18 words on it and a brochure that I am now 37 minutes from simply reading to these poor folk.  I have also made the spaceships joke (I always say, “When in doubt, talk about spaceships” which is sort of like the time that Dragon was on a gay panel and she found herself talking about how gay cruise ships can’t dock in countries like Jamaica and the audience just latched onto this for some reason and she said she stood there thinking, “Am I still talking about ships?” which is, coincidentally, the last time she was on a gay panel) … anyway, I’ve made the joke too many times that now I’m almost guaranteed to make some sort of spaceship joke while I am presenting.  I’m looking forward to this.

Remember, I told Dragon to make sure I didn’t LOOK stupid.  Nothing about acting any which way.

However, the best part of this day, easily, is that when I put on my name tag (which is one of those magnetic ones with a magnet that would absolutely stop a pacemaker and possibly make me feel like that dude from X-Men in how strong it is), I managed to put it on perfectly straight.  I mean, that sucker is parallel to the pocket on my shirt (my very girly pay-no-attention-to-the-lesbian-behind-the-curtain shirt) in a way that would make the Army proud.  I didn’t work at this.  I just slapped it on there and, instead of it being completely cockeyed (best. word. ever.) which it is every other time I wear a name tag (and once upside down, but that was just to fuck with people), it is perfect.

I am the face of the university for a half an hour this morning.  And even if I do talk about spaceships, those people are going to walk out of there knowing that I care about geometrical design of name tag placement and they will have full confidence that their children are at the right school.