Dragon’s Laws – Articles I through X

Dragon’s world.  It is a world we should all want to live in.  Her laws are simple, yet refined.  Imperfect, yet without flaw.  Dreamy, yet realistic.  In short, let her lay down the law or she will throw it at you.

Article I: All song previews on Amazon and/or iTunes that are 30 seconds long must be the worst 30 seconds of the song AND if the artist does any of that “stupid talking shit” during the song, the preview should come with an explicit warning. Law enacted after the Linkin Park debacle.

Article II: The proper name for chicken breasts is chicken boobies and Dragon will not know what you are talking about if you call it anything else. Law enacted after realizing boobies is a funny word.

Article III: Even if you introduce Dragon to new music four months before, when she discovers the band/album/song, it is still her discovery and any argument is futile and really just makes you a know-it-all. Law enacted after the OneRepublic paradigm.

Article IV: The best way to win at games like fantasy baseball or Scene-It is to act completely disinterested while secretly creating color-coded spreadsheets and reading trivia cards ahead of time to entirely kick someone’s ass. Law enacted after 2010 Fantasy Baseball season.

Article V: Return/visit from Iowa without a Mabes regular double crust pizza at your own risk. Law enacted after someone who will remain nameless hurried home to see Dragon thereby exiting Iowa before Mabes was open but was chastised at length for being thoughtless.

Article VI: It is better to remain aloof to friends than to be stuck on the phone with them listening to their issues because that might interrupt a show on the History Channel and that’s just silliness.  And annoying.  Who the hell wants to listen to other people’s problems all day long? Law enacted after she realized my counseling job may extend to some after hours phone calls.

Article VII: Asking Dragon what the root of the problem is will result in a $20 bill being flung at your head and asking how much the session costs which, contrary to popular opinion, is not really all that great for your marriage. Law enacted after someone asked her about the root of the problem.

Article VIII: The “o” in pocket is to be pronounced the same as the “o” in home. Law enacted after someone told her it was cute how she said “pocket” because we live alone and say things like this to each other.

Article IX: Saying, “I can’t hear you, my knees are hot,” makes perfect sense and brings people together from coast to coast. Law enacted after word spread from my old blog to people all around America and shall soon end up on a sitcom episode with credit given to “Dragon circa 2005.”

Article X: It is better for someone to think you odd than it is to wear underwear to bed because “It’s SO CONSTRICTING!” even if it means the Laundry Bitch has to do 80 extra loads of laundry to make sure your pajama pants are always clean because it’s her job anyway. Law enacted after the designation of Laundry Bitch duties in 2004.

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